Kill me now.
I love shopping for clothes. Looking at beautifully styled mannequins in shop windows makes me want to immediately rip the outfit off and run away with it while imagining the new, better life I will have wearing it.
But as someone who hates returning clothes, I always try before I buy, which is typically when I remember fitting rooms were clearly invented by an evil man whose main purpose in life it was to make women feel fat and ugly; and no peplum top in the world can change that.
Trying on clothes in fitting rooms is like a really bad therapy session. You go through all kinds of emotional stages and end up wanting to change everything about yourself. You feel absolutely drained after going from excited and optimistic to desperate and depressed in under 30 minutes, and your inner monologue usually goes a little something like this…
1. I don’t really have time, but I’ll just quickly try on these seven outfits.
2. What do you mean, five pieces max?! But I need all of them!
3. Wow, okay, now I see why. This fitting room is smaller than a family sized fridge.
4. Where do I put my handbag?
5. Um, excuse me, sales assistant that looks like a supermodel, these curtains leave a huge gap at the sides. I can still see you!
6. She seems busy. Okay, whatever, let’s start undressing in the one corner that is semi-covered.
7. Ouch, my elbow! I nearly knocked that wall down. That’s gonna bruise.
8. Is this really what I look like in underwear? Did I gain 20 pounds since I left home this morning?
9. I should really start using anti-ageing creams around my eyes. And EVERYWHERE else.
10. That anti-cellulite body lotion did NOTHING. My butt looks like a huge white orange.
11. I’ll just put on this lovely pencil skirt which will totally make me look hot in a non-slutty way at the office tomorrow.
12. This zipper is not going to close, I must have taken the wrong size, silly me!
13. Size 12??? But I’m a size 8!!!
14. Don’t cry, you know this brand’s sizes run a little smaller than they should.
15. I shouldn’t have had that piece of cake yesterday. Why do I love sugar so much?
16. Okay, focus, you still have four more pieces to try on.
17. This dress looked completely different in the window. I don’t remember it showing the mannequin’s vagina.
18. Could it be any hotter in here?!
19. Yes, supermodel sales assistant, everything is alright in here, except for the fact that I want to die.
20. Ouch, my hair got tangled with the price tag.
21. Great, now I have static hair, or is that just my frizz? I seriously need to get my hair done.
22. Perhaps another piece will look better… Nope, orange does not look good on me.
23. Neither does beige. But Kendall Jenner looks so good in nude shades, it’s not fair!
24. Seriously, turn on the freakin’ air conditioning!
25. If there is a god, please let this last piece look good on me, I beg you!
26. Sweet baby Jesus! This plain white T-shirt looks decent on me!
27. I mean, I kind of already have two shirts that look similar, but I think I saw a tiny hole in one of them. Yeah, definitely.
28. Great! I found something! Oh, totally forgot to check the price.
29. WTF?! $80 for a T-Shirt?! Oh well, that’s the money I’ll save by not eating anymore. I should definitely get it.
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Comment: What are your biggest pet peeves about trying on clothes?
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